Thursday, April 22, 2010

life doesn't wait for mondays

mondays - they have always signified new beginnings, a chance to start over, more opportunity for success than a thursday. however, when change is beckoning at your front door, it is no repector of days, it comes quickly, fiercely, without warning, and often unwelcomed.

it's wednesday night, and i wish it were sunday night so i could use the momentum promised from the first day of the week to usher in the change that is relentlessly knocking...knocking...knocking. i'm waiting to be prepared before i'm willing to change. there are lists to make, schedules to ready before this change is welcome. and still, it knocks, obnoxiously, pestering me to welcome it now. i'm not sure how long i can keep it at bay. how long can i bear the pestering thumping in my mind, on my heart, and the frantic pulsing through my bloodstream. change wants in. why am i so resistant? would i be if it were monday?

what makes mondays so special. the reality check is that monday is a flag day - a signal for me to get ready. and in that signal, i take the reigns. i take charge. i'm in control of the what, the when, the how. mondays are all about control. if i welcome change on a thursday night - won't i be out of control all weekend and the change won't stay? what if i am not prepared to welcome change on a midday friday afternoon? if i'm a mess when change comes knocking, i can't control how long it will stay. however, if i use saturday to clean, and sunday to prepare, then i'll be more hospitable come monday morning and change will want to stay around longer. i can't yield control because i can't bear to have her leave. i can't bear to hear her knocking without promise that she won't turn away when she sees the state i'm in. so, just wait, change. please wait until monday where i'm more sure that i'll be prepared for you and you'll want to stay. she says she will continue to choose the time that she shows up - but she'll leave the choice of opening the door up to me...

so, i can wait until monday and give myself time to plan and prepare risking that change may get tired of knocking and walk away. or, i can invite her in tonight, ask her to stay, and let her decide if my lack of preparedness factors in to how long she will.

k.

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