Tuesday, March 30, 2010

feta cheese

right now, i'm crumbling under the weight of everything that's undone in my life. my papers are not finished. my finals are not studied for. my reading material has been collecting dust since my first research paper began. my relationships are in the deconstruction process. and my body is begging me to care for it: to eat better, to sleep more soundly, to turn off the mental messiness long enough to breathe deeply. i feel like i'm about to self-destruct. even now, as i type, i feel clammy and pale, my stomach is empty and full at the same time, my forehead is wrinkled with furrows. i'm tense, and worried and nervous that my body may not hold up to the crumbling; that it may melt and seep into the cracks of the chaos. for now, i'm a mess...and i don't want or need anything nice, neat, or symmetrical...i just need to make it through with some semblance of solidity...to not be completely dissolved in this process.

k.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

it won't be the last time...

...that my daughter tells me something that breaks my heart. tonight, Lucy was upset because she was singing a song and kept making mistakes and not getting it perfect. after a few exchanges i realized she is terrified of making any mistakes, because if she does, people will think, as she already does, that she's not good enough. she said that two other girls in her class draw hearts and stars better than her. she tearfully argued that she practices more than them, but theirs are still better. she went on to list the many ways she isn't as good - not in math, or in drawing rainbows or unicorns, or even in writing her letters - some are too big and some are too small and some are too wiggly, she said. every account that she claimed she wasn't good enough broke my heart into tinier pieces.

how can my beautiful 5 year old, 1/2 day Kindergarten attending baby look at the big world around her and tell herself she's not good enough? where did she learn that mistakes are bad and perfection is the only good? of course, i blame myself. but how did i go so wrong, so fast?...and if it's only taken her 1 semester of Kindergarten to realize there are people better than her at things and those people are preferred, how long will it take me to teach her how wonderful she is? will she ever know how great i think she is? how can i show her, because obviously I haven't taught her.

tonight, with tears in her eyes, my daughter told me she isn't good enough. will my tears be enough to change her mind?

k.