Sunday, January 10, 2010

it's been too long

i almost can't believe that it's been over 2 months since my last post - or that i've only posted a few times since starting this experience called grad school. i could use the excuse that i had a lot of work to do and keeping up with the readings kept me busy, but i'm not sure that's the most legitimate excuse. while i have worked hard, i've also had a lot of free time. for the first time in my entire life i'm living in a different state than i was born in. having known only one family and one friend when i moved out here and not being actively a part of a church has really limited my social network. i've had many friday and saturday nights open to do nothing but write or think or read, and yet i've chosen not to employ this medium. why?

i haven't been able to put my finger on why i haven't had the urge to write - but something just came to me. before, i wrote mostly of existential questions and pursuits that i didn't bother looking for their answers. and now, i've found myself in a place where there just might be some answers - and that scares me. i've always felt action was the essential follow-up to an answered question, and i'm afraid i might not be able to act on these new answers i'm finding, because they mean death. they mean death to past consuming fears that have kept me from relationship, they mean death to control, they mean death to safety and comfort, and instead demand risk, bravery, and a courage to trust love.

so, maybe my posts will be less about the questions and more exploratory about the ways i intend to follow the answers i've been searching for for so long...maybe.


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