Saturday, January 16, 2010

just need to rant...

when it rains, it pours, and not just because i live in seattle. yesterday was one of those days...

i woke up to lucy having a fever with a stomach ache, sore throat, and wrist sprain from falling off the monkey bars. when i got in the car to run to the drugstore for some tylenol, car wouldn't start after we just changed the battery over the weekend. but our van did start. first store didn't have tylenol, thankfully the next store did. took her to the doctor. prognosis: strep throat; prescribed antibiotics. on the way home, the van, which has been giving us considerable acceleration problems, wouldn't go on the highway. i ended up driving on the shoulder until i turned the car off, waited for a break in traffic, turned it back on, then gunned it all the way home only to get a 1/2 block away from the house when lucy couldn't hold it anymore and threw up in the back seat. so...i quickly dropped her off at home with karl and ran to the pharmacy. 1 1/2 hours later, the prescription was finally ready to go - and so was the vomit still in the car. i at last, i barely made it home (had to stop and start car several times to get the gas going and accelerate home). whew.

then, we had someone coming to the house to fix a hole in the roof of our kitchen and later a mechanic to come look at the van. a lot of fixes all in one day...now i have a sore throat and its the weekend. hmph.

the upside is that at every time something negative happened, i tried to find something to be grateful for. i was grateful that we have medical insurance and got lucy to the doctor first thing in the morning. i'm grateful that when one car didn't start - at least the other car did (and bonus, karl got the car to start later by reconnecting the battery). i'm grateful that shauna was home that day, so if we were stranded, we would have had someone to rescue us other than a tow truck or a taxi cab. i was grateful that for a $10 antibiotic, my daughter would be feeling much better. i was supremely grateful that during all of this, karl was staying at home with peter while i took lucy and with both of them while i had to wait at walgreens for the prescription - because they would have had to wait there with me if he was not working from home...and its no fun to wait in a waiting room of a little drug store for 1 1/2 hours when you have a 100 degree fever. i'm also grateful that we live in a rental and didn't have to pay for the roof to get fixed. and in the end, the mechanic said a $30 part is all that is needed to fix the van.

i'm grateful that i could be grateful. and in a few days, i'll be grateful that my sore throat is gone along with the body aches and pains and i can get back to studying for a master's degree - something that only 1% of the entire population of the world has the chance to do.

k.

Monday, January 11, 2010

no one wants to be average

when i was little, i never thought, "i want to be average when i grow up." yet somehow, the reality is that i feel very average - average looking, averagely intelligent, average wealth. where does that voice come from that says i'm not extraordinary?

when i think of the people that God used: david, a shepherd boy, mary, a poor girl, the thief on the cross - i would define all of them as average by any standard. but God uses the weak to confound the strong. why? is that always his MO? if so, there's hope for me.

i want to make an extraordinary difference in the world. but i'm learning, perhaps, my definitions of extraordinary are changing. i want to be someone special to my daughter; but instead of being her hero - set apart, higher than, someone to look up to, i want to be in relationship with her, giving and taking. i don't want to be the best homemaker for my husband, but someone who shares in his dreams and passions. i want to contribute to the man my son will someday become.

so, how do i reconcile these new visions of extraordinary with what the world is pressuring me to be instead? my focus has to shift from elevating the influence of strangers and people from a distance to elevating the people closest to me. will i let the influence of children and a simple man peruade me to focusing on being an extraordinary wife and mother? there is a choice for me to make - what will i choose?

k.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

it's been too long

i almost can't believe that it's been over 2 months since my last post - or that i've only posted a few times since starting this experience called grad school. i could use the excuse that i had a lot of work to do and keeping up with the readings kept me busy, but i'm not sure that's the most legitimate excuse. while i have worked hard, i've also had a lot of free time. for the first time in my entire life i'm living in a different state than i was born in. having known only one family and one friend when i moved out here and not being actively a part of a church has really limited my social network. i've had many friday and saturday nights open to do nothing but write or think or read, and yet i've chosen not to employ this medium. why?

i haven't been able to put my finger on why i haven't had the urge to write - but something just came to me. before, i wrote mostly of existential questions and pursuits that i didn't bother looking for their answers. and now, i've found myself in a place where there just might be some answers - and that scares me. i've always felt action was the essential follow-up to an answered question, and i'm afraid i might not be able to act on these new answers i'm finding, because they mean death. they mean death to past consuming fears that have kept me from relationship, they mean death to control, they mean death to safety and comfort, and instead demand risk, bravery, and a courage to trust love.

so, maybe my posts will be less about the questions and more exploratory about the ways i intend to follow the answers i've been searching for for so long...maybe.

k.