for a long time i thought i was anemic because i could never shake constant exhaustion. from the moment i woke up in the morning i was counting the hours until i could sleep again. at one point i was so tired i could drink sleep. i investigated the normal causes for why i would be so tired. i took some blood tests, had my thyroid checked out - everything came back normal. i eventually went to a naturopath doctor to look into vitamin supplements. on this journey i came across pernicious anemia which is not a lack of iron so much, like regular anemia, but more of a lack of b-12 absorbency. which is to say, it's not that i wasn't taking in enough of the vitamin, but that my body wasn't absorbing it. so, i immediately started a supplement. i was worried about overdosing because i was so eager to feel not so much like a walking sleepy-head. turns out you can't overdose on vitamin b-12 because it is a water soluble vitamin that, when taken in excess, is easily excreted.
enough of the glamorous details, my point is not to blog to the world about my vitamin deficiencies, but rather to draw a parallel. i think i'm also deficient in something else entirely, love. not because there isn't enough love around me, but because i'm not absorbing it. i'm a poor receiver. what does it matter if my husband always tells me how great i am if i don't receive his praise? what does it matter if i'm surrounded by people who think i'm special, if i don't receive their admiration? what does it matter if friends stand up for me, protect me, rescue me, if i don't accept their help? what does it matter if i know Christ died for me because he loves me, if i don't receive his gift of love.
i'm not quite sure why i don't receive or absorb the love that surrounds me. just like my vitamin deficiency, i can't pinpoint my problem - all i know is that there is one. just like my tiredness was a symptom of malabsorption, likewise, symptoms such as an insatiable desire for praise and a constant yearning to feel special, great disappointment when i am not chosen or picked for someone or something, and deep despair when i'm overlooked or brushed over are symptoms that i'm not receiving the love that is amply given. because if i were like a sponge, absorbing the love surrounding me, would i be so desperate for more?
so. i don't have a love deficiency, but i do have an absorption problem. throwing more love in any way it is given won't help my reception of it. it ends up going down the toilet. therefore, the answer is not more love, but a way to absorb and receive love that bypasses the way i've been trying to receive it up until now.
there are lots of ways people can bypass the problem of absorbing b-12. the vitamin gets lost in the stomach since some people don't have the enzymes there to receive and send it into the blood stream. so, there are shots, there are under-the-tongue pills, and there are patches that send the vitamin directly to the source, bypassing the stomach.
i'm looking for a patch. where can i find healing and wholeness in order to receive the love that is so lavishly given to me? how can i be a receptor for love in all the ways that it is given? how can i first receive, so i can subsequently, be grateful?