this morning i was questioning what kind of intimacy God wants from me. what does intimacy even look like with the creator of the universe? i'm trying to believe that he wants to hear my hopes and dreams and wants me to share my desires with him, but that's hard to imagine when he already knows everything. why do i need to spell it out for him? isn't it like que' sera' sera' - what will be will be?
but i've recently realized that "spelling it out" is the conversation required for intimacy. what close relationship doesn't involve dialogue? so, while i know he is not a genie of the lamp for me to expel my wishes upon thereby backing him into the corner of having to grant my every desire, for the sake of our relationship, i think he wants to know my heart - what my heart longs for and what it day dreams of and what makes it skip to a syncopated beat.
so, i ventured out this morning to lay before his feet my desires. to spell them out, to give language to the song in my heart - hoping that he would carry my dreams carefully. hoping that he wanted to hear them as much as i wanted to tell them to him. praying that i could trust him to treat my heart gently. i'm waiting patiently for his exchange in our dialogue - but as for my part, it went something like this:
daddy, just like lucy wants to go to disney world because she's heard all about it, watched the disney shows every day for a year and listened all about the wonderful surprises the destination has to offer, i want to go somewhere too. i've heard all about this place called mars hill graduate school. i've talked with someone who goes there every week for a year and a half, i've heard about all the professors and read some of their books, i've listened to what wonderful surprises the school, the city and the journey have to offer to someone who is seeking more, and i want to go, because i want more. but just like lucy, i am waiting in patient anticipation for the tickets to go because i know the cost is high, the journey long and the right opportunity has to present itself...
but daddy?...daddy, i want to go.