Sunday, February 1, 2009

giving and receiving love

i don't know if i haven't been blogging much because i lack the ideas or the passion for the ideas - but my mind has been a "tabula rasa" or "blank slate". i don't think i haven't had thoughts - i just think i've either had too many and none are rising to the surface, or there is just so much swirling that none have settled.

i was thinking of a friend i used to have. i say used to because i haven't seen her or spoken to her in 2 1/2 years. but i think if we were to see each other tomorrow, we could likely pick up where we left off. she's one of those kinds...where you don't really have to talk daily to be comfortable in your friendship - and in this case, we haven't talked in years. but that much time seems like it makes things a little more uncomfortable. i think the discomfort comes from not knowing why neither of us have made the effort to keep in touch. that's the question that goes around in my over crowded mind. did she not keep in touch with me or did i not keep in touch with her? did she ditch me, or did she feel i ditched her? one idea that keeps rising to the surface is my conclusion that we stopped needing each other. because in my experience you can ditch what you want (i.e. not let yourself want it anymore, or fill that want with something or someone else), but it's a lot harder to ditch what you need.

so, that leads me to deduce that our friendship was based on need. no problem with that - many relationships start out that way (infant to mother for example). and i'm not even sure what needs we met in one another, but we must have to tuck a 12 year relationship under our belt. so, i'm less concerned with what we needed in one another and more interested in how relationships are formed and founded and what keeps them going.

one thing that irritated me today is that when i imagined running into this friend again after these 2 1/2 years, i picture she would come up and give me a hug. why would i be irritated that she'd hug me? i wrestled with this discomfort and uncovered a possible reason. i have been in this friendship on my terms. we're friends just so long as she needs me and i need her - but if we become those people who casually give out hugs, then that is no longer on my terms because i'm not free with my hugs - and she is. so, part of me was mad thinking that - hey, you don't see me or talk to me in nearly 3 years and you want to give me a hug like we saw each other yesterday? that's not how i work.

and i chided myself realizing how i only give and receive love on my terms. and how much love i'm missing because i don't receive it the way others give it. her idea of showing love is hugs. mine's not. but am i so full of love and relationships that i don't have room to accept and receive love in any way shape or form that it's given? how arrogant of me.

Christ demonstrated his love for us while we were still steep in sin. so, it seems the problem isn't so much needing or earning love as much as it is to humbly receive it - in any way it is given.

i've got a 10 ft. wall between me and the love others are sending me. it's not they're fault i'm not loved. because they're giving it. it's my fault i'm not loved, because i'm not receiving it. so that begs the question - what kind of love am i giving if i've not yet let myself receive?

another day - another blog. maybe.

k.

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