Sunday, January 11, 2009

Back to life...

Back to reality. Wasn't that a song from the 90s? I'm starting my 5th of 8 trimesters at MHGS this week. It is a strange feeling to be on the down slope of my Mars Hill experience. I think that when I initially made the decision to enroll here, I anticipated a revolutionary transformation in my life and I keep waiting to feel like a completely new person. I have this hunch that when I leave this place I won't really have any life-solving answers...just more questions. But I'm learning to swim more comfortably amidst the pool of questions. I'm no longer trying to conquer them by diving head first into each one like a mad women. Nor am I turning against them with a cynical heart unwilling to engage because the pursuit seems too daunting. Instead, I am learning what it means to live into the mystery of existence.

I was reading a collection of old journals this last week. The re-discovery of an ancient version of myself is one of my favorite experiences. I read a quote by one of my philosophy professors from Metro that I had jotted down in the margin of a tiny leather journal that spoke to how I'm feeling these days. Professor Chu's offered wisdom I wouldn't quite understand until now as he said, "Once you learn that you don't know as much as you think you know - only then will you be motivated to seek knowledge." Grad school has done that for me. It has revealed to me just how little I really know. And what does it mean to really KNOW anything anyway? I know that many people are scared of the threat such relativism seems to pose...yet, I don't find that I suffer from either an indifferent or fatalistic attitude as a result of acknowledging the difference between knowing and believing. But rather, I find myself intrigued even more by the pursuit...because I actually think it is in the journey of pursuing greater understanding in the external realities of this world that we truly find ourselves.