Thursday, August 28, 2008

oh, if only it were enough...

oh, if only it were enough to see myself through your eyes. i wish i could land on the security that you think i'm great. i long to be confident in the things you tell me are true and believe only that. i would like to see me the way you do. because while i know you witness my faults, you never exploit them. and even though i know you realize my imperfections, you look past them and into me. you see my heart, you know my intentions, and you believe the best in me. oh, if only that were enough to convince my heart to rest.

instead, i focus on the negative words, attitudes and actions from those who don't know me, or understand my intentions or even believe there is a 'best' in me. i agree with them when they make me feel worthless. i trust their opinion that i'm in the wrong. i dwell on their belief that i'm unimportant and what i say doesn't matter.

and so what if i don't them? why does it hurt so much when they don't care? why do i let their judging stares burrow holes through me? why do i go over and over the comments, shrugs, and cold shoulders like someone combing hair for lice? i don't review the conversations in my head so that i can rid myself of them. i review the conversations looking for a place where i could change what i said or what i did in order to change their view of me. and for what? why do i want their acceptance, anyway?

oh, if only i didn't care! i wish i could pull my heart out and give it a good spanking. i want to tell it to stop! stop yearning for what doesn't matter. stop it! rest, fastly beating heart. slow, quickening pulse. mush into the knowledge that you have a friend who does know you, and believes the best in you, and loves you. because if she didn't, how could she have a 5 hour long phone conversation with you in the middle of the night and hang up ready to do it all over again the next day. and that is enough. it is.



Karl said...

The true mark of a great writer...being able to use the phrase "combing hair for lice" in a vunerable, heartfelt snippet like this and not have it seem out of place. Or maybe that's just me.

:::No Longer Mute said...

How I wish you could see yourself through my eyes as well. You are the one who never tires of seeking (even though you expend all of your resources doing it at times). You are the one who fights for growth and greater understanding. You are the one who longs to love with abandon and to bleed with hope in this life. You have redifined what it means to be a best friend, a companion in the journey. I love you, Krista. And it's alright that sometimes that isn't enough, because it will always be matter what. And I know that you will always be there for me as well.