Thursday, August 7, 2008

loneliness is not about being alone...

...but it is about being sad. while i think that loneliness and sadness go together - i don't think the same is true for just being alone. i can handle being alone - probably because i never am. i have four little feet that follow me into my room when i'm changing, into the bathroom when i'm on the toilet, outside to get the newspaper, in the kitchen while i'm making lunch, out back to pick up some trash, into the garage when i just need to get something out of the car, and right this moment while i'm typing. and when little feet aren't that close behind, voices calling my name are. so, i look forward to, and find myself craving time alone. i can handle being alone.

where i find sadness is when i'm not alone, but lonely. i can be surrounded by my children all day long, go to public places where lots of people roam, and still feel lonely. so, while i don't know the dictionary definition for lonely, i define it as a sad feeling that sticks to my mind and my heart and my movements, like soap scum on a windshield. it's when i feel disconnected from another, or all other human beings, without anyone to share me with.

and this isn't a new concept for me, either. i remember, in college, i put many miles on my car. i drove downtown for school, highlands ranch for work, littleton for church, and denver for home...i was always in the car, by myself. but it wasn't being alone that was so hard. it was that i had spent an entire day going and doing, and never sharing. i remember thinking to myself once, while driving one day, does life really happen if you don't have anyone to share it with? sort of like, if a tree falls in the forest...and if the answer is no - life doesn't really happen if you don't have anyone to share it with, then that is where the deep sadness comes in.

i'm sure i'm just like mother's everywhere. i stay at home, all day, just me and my two kids. sure, occasionally we get out for play dates and zoo trips, but for the most part, we're doing this thing called 'daily life' all by one to share our thoughts and feelings, our mishaps and happenings, our dreams and desires with...and that is sad.

so, mothers everywhere, if you're sad because today, your toddler fell down and hit the coffee table and now has a black eye, or you're stir crazy because it's 50 degrees outside and you've been couped up all day in the house, or you just didn't feel like getting out of bed today to do it all over again by yourself, or you checked your email over and over again hoping for some good news, or checked for some distracting information to take your mind off of the mundane, or updated your facebook five times just to feel like you were sharing yourself with me. because that's what i've done today, and i still feel lonely. call me to share you with me, and me with you. we're all in this together, yes? so, let's not all feel sad at the same time.



:::No Longer Mute said...

This post tugged on my heart more than any of your other posts thus far. There is something in the tone that bleeds vulnerability. Thank you for writing from your heart...for putting words to your experience as a mother, as a woman who feels alone. I had a counseling session yesterday and I talked about how I, too, crave alone time, but when I am actually alone I discover just how much sadness is resting just beneath the surface. I think connection is a universal desire, though some of us are more keenly aware of the intensity of this longing. And I find myself wondering about the Genesis depiction of the woman's curse. It is more relationally-oriented than the man's. This lead me to imagine that for women, redemption has something to do with rediscovering true intimacy and connection with others.

From one lonely woman to another...oh, how I wish I could be there with you so that we might share our selves more freely.

Anonymous said...

My wife left me 6 months ago, for another man. My son was so angry, that we did not stay together, and blamed both of us, and I don’t see him either anymore. That year before she left the house, she got already that friend, she was in love with. I did not know. Only later, her hugs where not really hugs, here kisses where fake and fast. There was no more romantic between us. No more lay spoon to spoon in bed. Till she really told, "there is another one I love". After 30 years of good Marriage. Now I feel loneliness, very loneliness. I talk with many people, all over the world. have many friends, in msn, Skype. Visit friends, Family, meet people everywhere. I am never Alone, but I feel so very very loneliness. Tears drop on my keyboard, while writing this. I have to stop. Wish all the loneliness people in the world, a tome without loneliness, forever.
A Dutch Guy.