Monday, July 14, 2008

I should PRESENTLY be working on a paper

Despite my heart's desire to "embrace my own thrilling life", I've found that this is no easy task! I'm sure that's not a shocking discovery - but dang...it's a tough one. I've narrowed the requirement down to one seemingly simple discipline - TO BE PRESENT. But now after attempting to grow my own ability to be present for nearly a month now, I'm quite convinced that it is clearly no simple task. Why? Why is my mind always running to places my body is not able to follow? And as I attempt to be more present to my daily life I begin to wonder is there ever a time, a space, for the mind to wander? Is it ever useful? And if it is, how do I discern where and when it can go free?

Questions. There are always so many questions running to and fro. There used to be a time when the questions felt more desperate. Now they have slowed to a simple jog - still a fast enough pace for me to feel like I can't sit still...but not so fast that I feel like I'm going to die from exhaustion. Should I feel encouraged by the slowing pace? Maybe this whole discipline of presence is a process. Everything is apparently a process these days. Maybe it's like when you've been running for 45 minutes on the treadmill and you finally hit your cool down. I don't know about you, but usually by that time I feel like my legs are no longer attached to my body and I fear that at any point in time I'll simply collapse. But the obligatory cool down countdown automatically occurs. I only stay on the treadmill because I don't want to have to end the session by pressing any buttons (which may cause others to think that I was just too out of shape to finish what I set my mind out to do). So maybe I'm in the cool down portion of my journey right now. I'm just wondering how long this cool down will be considering I'm 29 and I think I've been running since I entered this world. I guess this process could take a while. If only I could figure out how to take deep breaths of fresh air during this process to aid the cool down pace.

~S.

1 comment:

:::No Longer Mute said...

great questions. "Why is my mind always running to places my body is not able to follow?" i never looked at it that way-brilliant! but there has to be value in the mind rambling...or else where would dreams, ambitions...even hope - have a place to rest, but in those thoughts.

i think it wonderful that your questions have moved from desperation to a slow jog. it means you know how to sit and be...not always doing - wow, you, shauna? - sitting and being?...not shopping for la veta, not directing a bring me to life production, not researching and reading for a sermon, not producing a tuesday night devotional, not baking goodies for every friend you know as christmas presents, not taking 18 credit hours, working full-time, and keeping an immaculate house with 3 beautiful children?...oh wait, you still do that - but look how far you've come. remember, remember, remember...