We were fortunate enough to have experienced some 80 degree weather last weekend, but as expected, the gray clouds were not gone for long. The past three days have been rather dreary, and yet the warm and invograting mood that visited me when the sun broke through the clouds over the weekend has made a home within my spirit. Something has shifted deep within my core and I feel like I'm just beginning to understand the huge implications of a seemingly slight change in thinking.
Let me try to explain. The other night Brian and I had one of those really significant conversations where you say things that you didn't even really know you felt until you actually say them outloud. Later that night, I found myself wrestling with certain demons of the mind that have been determined to rule and ruin my life for as long as I can remember. As I struggled to get through a night of intense sleep I longed to greet the dawn of a new day, and hopefully a new chapter in my life. When I awoke I began to process all that had been going on my mind since that single significant conversation where I confessed to Brian that I have spent my entire life wishing that I didn't have my life. All night I wrestled with the realization that I have wasted much time wishing I hadn't made this decision or that decision, resenting the presence of certain painful experiences in my past, and longing for things that are not within reach - things that were not meant for me and my life.
This realization was almost too much for me to bear in a single night's stirrings. I felt the weight of such intense longings and I discovered how paralyzed I have been because of the lie I've bought into. I began to grieve the evidence of a life consumed by self-imposed agony. And then it dawned on me - the prison gate was unlocked...and it had been all along. I simply needed to wipe away the tears long enough to see through the blurriness. In an instant I found myself on the otherside of the gate looking back upon where I lived for so long. For many years I pleaded with God to help me find contentment with the confines of my own life, I never even imagined that I could experience something far greater than contentment - I never dreamed of FREEDOM.
I broke free from my prison cell and began to run straight toward the sun just beginning to rise from the greenest hill I've ever seen. Finally reaching the top of the hill, I opened my arms wide to the warmth of the sun only to realize that this totally amazing and thrilling life has been awaiting my arrival for nearly 29 years. It is time for me to enter into my life, to stop running from the pain, to stop wishing for a different body, a different name, a different story. I can't even begin to imagine what a slap in God's face it has been for me to reject the gift he has given me. How many people waste away there lives by never recognizing the thrilling life they can have (and really already have) if they simply enter into it! The beauty is so much easier to see when we become present - when we stop thinking about what could have been or what we hope one day will be - but when we enter into the now. It is not only the beauty of our own lives that seems more evident, but the beauty of the souls we are connected to and given access to on a daily basis that begins to shine so brightly that it nearly blinds us. How could I not have seen this before??? It is a mystery.
The battle is not over by any means. I'm convinced that the prison cell will beckon me for all of my days, but each day that I chose to live into my own life and search for it's glory, the quieter that voice will become. Speaking of living into my own life - my baby girl has asked me for a dance...so if you'll excuse me, my thrilling, wonderful, messy and beautiful life is calling me now.
p.s. Download "Becoming" by April McLean - it's my new theme song.